May 5, 2011- Poor Treadmill. :-/

I'm in the verge of giving up, and not giving up. It's not true that I cannot express myself. I have lots of ways and lots of resources. People who know me personally can easily tell if I'm OK or not. Sometimes I just wish that my mind is not that creative. I'm through with all the paranoia and dramas close to that. Maybe I'm through with that awkward stage of my life where in I don't know exactly what I'm feeling.

Now I'm in the midst of trying to blurt out every possible emotion that I have. Little by little, every layers of that hardened controlled anger that led me to apathy were being exposed.

Funny how my Creator uses simple things to expose the truth behind the lies. It just started with a simple conversation over dinner when we're talking about a little boy named Samuel. He is a very sweet kid, but sometimes when he's not in the mood, he will do this crazy things that drives me nuts. One time, he has this crazy habit of telling people around him "Ayoko sayo!" (I don't like you). He did that to me twice or thrice. You will be surprised with my reaction. As a grown up woman, I must not be offended by that. I immediately responded, "Ayoko din sayo!" (I don't like you too.) Then I will walk away really pissed off.

Is it possible that through that situation I'm feeling a lil bit rejected? I just know if I'm offended with things because I cannot get over it just like that. One thing I know right now, if a person doesn't like me, I don't like that person also. Is it pride? Am I being rude?  Does it work that way?

After dinner, I know I still have certain issues to settle with God. But I went to the treadmill machine instead. I  tried to control my emotion once again thinking that the endorphins from exercising really hard can relieve the stress, but the harder I sweat, the deeper the pain that I'm feeling in my chest.

I almost destroyed the treadmill. >.<